Rebecca Needs Our Help and Support!
Out of Hell: Reflections on Losing 150 Pounds
So many nights, I whimpered and cried,
Thought that my prayers had all been denied,
Stuffing my feelings, ashamed of my plight,
Trying to stop, with all of my might.
Morning would come, and that is when,
The whole vicious cycle would start once again.
Tears would be streaming, I felt like a cow,
I wanted to stop, but I didn’t know how.
Walking a block, and feeling such pain,
That I went right back home to start eating again.
“Your face is so pretty! Start using your head!”
“Just eat smaller portions,” my family said.
“Put down the fork! Push back from the table!”
That’s what my friends said…But I wasn’t able.
“Willpower’s the secret!
We’ll help you get through it!”
“Try harder,” they urged….But I couldn’t do it.
I tried every diet to get back on track,
I’d lose weight and then just gain twice as much back!
Every morning I’d pray, “God let me be good,”
Then I’d fail once again…and no one understood.
Each new day would bring another attempt,
Each evening would bring still more self-contempt.
Filled with self-loathing, such awful remorse,
Simply unable to get back on course.
Overwhelmed with this state of awful depression,
Giving in to this dark, paralyzing obsession.
I thought to myself, “You’ll always be fat…
Accept it, move on! Learn to live with that fact!”
Questioning God and wondering why,
Positive that I was destined to die.
Yet something inside me was whispering, “No…
There must be a way…It has to be so.”
“I felt a new person was waiting inside me,
And it was their voice, I permitted to guide me.
I knew I could no longer go on this way,
Desperate and dying, bit by bit, day by day.
So I got on my knees, and prayed for relief,
Then God sent a miracle to lessen my grief.
A way to stop eating, so crazy I thought,
That went against everything I had been taught.
This was my last option, I felt like a jerk.
If this didn’t do it, nothing would work!
So I trusted the doctors, wholly and blindly,
And my God smiled down, completely and kindly.
An unorthodox treatment, but working so well,
To help lift me out of this ongoing hell,
A surgical wonder, that acts as a tool,
To battle the fat, which has made life so cruel.
So as scared as I was, I knew I’d get through it,
Since I was so much more afraid not to do it.
And it went very smoothly, and I’m convinced of that.
That pain was less than the pain of this fat.
Nothing could hurt more than being this size,
While seeing the pity in everyone’s eyes.
That part of my life is over and done.
But I’ll never forget the place I came from.
I’ll always be grateful, I’ll always be driven
To bestow upon others the support I’ve been given.
The obsession has lifted, I’m whole and I’m free,
God and my surgeon gave my life back to me.
I’ve learned to eat slowly, I’ve learned how to chew.
Enjoying my food, as normal folks do.
I eat when I’m hungry, I stop when I’m not,
Being fat, in this life, will not be my lot.
I eat not for sport, but just to survive,
My whole life is changing….I’m glad I’m alive!
I will reach the goal that I’m aiming toward,
I’ve truly been blessed…Thank you, Dear Lord!
The peace that I feel is calming and true,
And for those who still suffer….I wish it for you.
Author Unknown
Rebecca Before Losing 250 Pounds
Rebecca just recently in Franklin, North Carolina
Back in Hell: After Losing 250 pounds
So many nights, I wish I could have cried
I know my prayers have all been denied.
Again I’m stuffing my feelings, ashamed of my plight,
Still trying to stop, with all of my might.
So morning comes again
Here goes the vicious cycle again.
I wish tears would come, I feel like a cow,
I want to stop, but just can’t somehow.
I walk 3 steps and feel such pain,
I go back home to start eating again.
“You’ve come so far, look at all you’ve shed”
“You can do it”, my family said.
“You’ve worked so hard! You don’t need to be at the table!”
That’s what my friends say, but again, I’m not able.
“You don’t want to go there, We’ll help you through it!”
“Keep on trying” they say…but I just can’t do it.
I’m trying what I know to get back on track,
I’m on my way to gaining everything back!
Every morning I pray, “God, please tie my hands”,
Then I fail again, …. no one understands.
Every new day brings another attempt,
Only to end up with more self contempt.
Filled with self-loathing, a painful remorse,
I just can’t get back on the right course.
Overwhelmed with this state of depression,
Continuing to give in to this paralyzing obsession.
I think to myself, “You’ll always be lonely and fat…
Accept it, move on. This is your life fact.”
My only option is to die.
Something inside me is whispering “No”
But I don’t know the way, so where should I go?
I’m searching for that person buried deep inside me,
Looking for someone to guide me.
I know I cannot go on this way,
I’m desperate and dying, bit by bit and day by day.
I try to get on my knees and ask for relief,
The prayers won’t come, all I feel is grief.
I know all the things I’ve been taught,
My eating is so crazy, why can’t I stop?
I’ve used my last option, I feel like a jerk,
This didn’t do it, so nothing will work!
I trusted the doctors, they did their best,
But I’ve failed God and all the rest.
The unorthodox treatment was working so well,
I thought I was moving out of this hell.
Not a surgical wonder, it’s just a tool,
I still have the fat that makes life so cruel.
I guess I’m too scared, I can’t get through it,
I just don’t have the will to do it.
I know God’s not the one who’s turned His back,
I can’t find my way to the right track.
I’ve moved so far away, my hand just won’t reach
Only food seems to be within reach.
Good food or bad food, it never matters,
Looks like my life is all in tatters.
I’ve returned to harmful old ways
That put the hell in most of my days.
I look at the failure my life has been,
It just seems to be time to say…the end.
These emotions just seem to overwhelm,
Somebody else needs to be at the helm.
I’ve been up this mountain too many times,
I guess it’s really messed up my mind.
I don’t seem to fit into this world,
I’d like to give the next one a whirl.
I long for the day I’ll be a smaller size
And I won’t see the pity in everyone’s eyes.
I guess God’s not finished with me yet,
So I’ll just keep movin’ on, even with a net.
I still have a long way to go,
It’s through the hills and valleys I go.
Author: Rebecca Russell
April 2011
Rebecca looks so beautiful in the photo taken in Franklin, N.C. After reading her poem, I realized that she really needs our support to keep her going forward. Please post your motivating thoughts, comments, helpful advice and ideas to help her through this rough time. I know she can get through this with all of our support. We love you Rebecca and want to help you keep succeeding.
